It's 2 in the morning and I'm tired as hell but nobody else on this side of campus seems to want to sleep so hey I'll jump on the band wagon and stay up as well. (Kinda wish I woulda known I'd be up this late, I coulda finished my laundry!) So things at college have been great so far. Too great. I've been waiting for something bad too happen here and it hasn't and I really miss Fayetteville drama so I'm gonna pretend I have some. So I'm laying in bed pretending and losing sleep over the things that aren't really wrong, the things I'm just making out in my head to be worse then they are, contemplating situations and words that needn't second though, and skimming images that should be long forgotten. Now after a week of being in bed with the strept throat (well not really in bed and that's probably what made it worse) and now not being able to sleep mm at all I've come to this conclusion which will probably make no sense just like why I'm posting or this post:
       True love does not exist. It doesn't. It can't. If it existed it could be explain and as much as we all try to, nobody can say what love is and I think that's because nobody's really felt it. Sure you can lust after someone. Sure they can be the center or your universe. Sure you may think you can't live without them but when it's over you always do. Ask someone our age if they've been in love and I'm sure they say they have, ask them in 20 years and they'll laugh for saying so. Why is it that everything ends in divorce now? Could it be cause people just think they're in love instead of being patient enough to look for it harder and they jump at the first thing that makes then temporarily happy? If love existed why would we have 'to make love' wouldn't it just be there? Can't you just have sex sometimes, I mean I'm sure more then once that's all it's been to one of the parties involved. If love was real why does it end. Why would it end. Something as pure as love wouldn't and it always (if you're lucky enough to even think you've found it) inevitably does. Why does one person always have to 'fall' harder then the other? It never seems to be equal. It's always at different times and on different terms. Sometimes it is just one way and that's not fair. An emotion that makes you feel as strong as the word love does should always be reciprocated and it's usually not. Why do they call it falling anyway? Maybe cause when you fall it hurts. And 'love' hurts. Maybe the emotion love exsists but i don't think true love does. And maybe it's because true love is supposed to be something great. Something strong. Something to endure all. and people just aren't that great, and that strong and we certainly can not endure all. And could it be that love is the reason for us being so weak and fragile. It's great to think that there is that one person for you and you have this bond and you'll be together forever but is it love that's gonna make that happen? Is it really just love that's gonna make that happen? It's a crazy thing love, they say is makes the world go round, but realistically, it's everyone running around the world searching for it.

I don't even really know where I'm going with this...just a bunch of thoughts really. Sad part was until tonight I thought I was in love and I guess I 'fell' out. But it's complicated-nothing happened between me and Brian. A normal night I guess. He didn't act strange or say anything weird and neither did I. I just don't know if I can be in love if I don't believe in it. My main thing is maybe I think love doesn't exsist cause if it was real then it couldn't be taken from you. It would be your's.  To keep. Forever. And nothing could change it and it would be certain. But love ends. It can be taken away. It has been before and it can be now and I don't wanna lose it so I'm just never going to try and achieve finding it.

[	mood	|	anxious	]
[	music	|	ingram hill	]

Going to NC State today made me realize how totally excited I am about college. All the fear (almost) and all the nerve suddenly went away and now I'm just anxious. It felt so good to see Ben today, even thought he just left 2 days ago. And Rosie and Jackson and Becky and like 1/2 of our graduating class damnit. I think I've just realized it's going to be ok.
..........It's going to be ok, this is what's supposed to happen.
Back to packing...only 2 more days!

We college kids undoubtedly have a subculture unto ourselves.
Some people play basketball, we play beer pong. We live in a world where “wanna do a body shot” is a sufficient pick-up line. We have become aware that alcohol makes us say, do, and wear things that would, in a sober state, be out of the question. Watching our friend make out with a stranger in front of cheering spectators is raw comedy. We make friends while we are drunk and we assign them an adjective that will forever precede their name in order to distinguish them from the rest of the "friends" we make while drunk…"Sloppy Tom" "Creepy Steve" will always be near and dear to our hearts. After a long night of bonging beers at a house party, bravely resisting the urge to drunk dial (and/or drunk IM) all of our ex-boyfriends, then going shot-for-shot with a frat boy at the bar, we wake up in our underwear on our best friend's floor with a million questions running through our heads. With random incoherent numbers in our cell phones, random pictures on our cameras, a mere 73 cents left in our wallets, and a desperate desire to lay in bed for the rest of our lives...it is then that we swear off drinking forever...for real....we really mean it this time.... Why do we act like this? Because we can. Because in a few blurry years we will have to enter the “real world”. So we will live it up…As long as there are beers to be drank and shots to be taken, we will be there...as long as there are case races to be won and houses to pass out in, we will be there...as long as there are tables to be danced on and annoying songs to sing loudly along to, WE WILL BE THERE!...but we're not gonna lie, we probably won't remember it.

**T-12 days and counting**

[	mood	|	bored	]
[	music	|	the assistant on mtv	]

You bold the ones that apply to you from the previous person, and then the ones that dont, you change to be about you.

01. I have a cell phone.
02. I'm obsessed with purses and bags.
03. I'm the FIRST child.
04. I am a shopoholic.
05. I love shoes that are flip flops
06. I am a virgo
07. I love bitch beer
09. I can't live without lip gloss.
10. I can't live without music.
11. I've lived in Fayetteville for 3 years.

12. I spend money I don't have.
13. I want to get a turtle for my dorm
14. I'm so jealous that katie's seen John Mayer
15. I get annoyed easily.
16. I want kids, but not the having kids part.
18. I have more then a couple of horrible memories.
19. I am addicted to nothing.

20. I am a person
21. My nana has a wig.
22. I go to The University of North Carolina at Charlotte.
23. I love taking pictures.
24. I hate girls who are mean.
25. I always wanted to be in a sorority, maybe.
26. My life is bizarre.
27. I think gay people rock.
28. You can never have too many purses
29. I've seen 'Van Wilder' at least 45 times.
30. I usually dress how I feel that day.
31. I love 'Sex and the City'.
32. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
33. I am always late.
34. I procrastinate.
35. I love falling in love.
36. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
37. I love to sleep.
38. I wish I were smarter.
39. I love lying in the dark with boys.
40. I cause mad drama, and I don't (usually) mean to.
41. I am addicted to 'I love the 80s' and 90s' (esp 1997)
42. I love to drive.
43. I sometimes fight with my parents
44. I love the beach.
45. I've never wrangled a snake.
46. I'm scared about the future.
47. I'm a hisotry/education major
48. I can't wait until I'm old enough.
49. I like to put on fashion shows in my room by myself
50. I love my friends
51. Halloween is my favorite holiday.
52. I can be very insecure sometimes.
53. I've broken about all of my toes

54. I dislike racist people
55. I love my computer
56. I'm pretty sure a guy with a guitar better have more good qualities than that.
57. I have more than one ringtone on my phone, depending on who's calling.
58. I'm usually a happy person.
59. I love to dance, but im awful at it.
60. I love to read magazines articles about Mary Kate and Britney Spears.
61. I hate cleaning my room, but love having my room clean.
62. I don't get jealous easily.
63. I love cute underwear.
64. I love Ashlee Simpson.
65. I love unique people.
66. I've been to Italy.
67. I SUCK at studying

69. I have a horrible sense of direction.
70. I loved high school.
71. I'm going to miss my little shitser.
72. I'm not a daddy's girl.
73. I love kisses on the forehead
74. I'm catholic.
75. I love the color pink.
76. I love Dirty Dancing.
77. I have root beer eyes, with some green in them.
78. I love the Olsen Twins.
79. I love mint chocolate chip icecream.
80. I don't stress out easily
81. I like to eat Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
82. I like comfy sweatpants.
83. Isaac Hanson is my dream guy.
84. I love the smell of grass after it's rained.
85. I love my family.
86. I dont mind needles.
87. I am a perfectionist
88. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.
90. I LOVE skirts
91. I would love to marry someone who has their own movie studio.
92. I'm very selfish

93. I still act like a little kid sometimes
94. I despise the sound of a crying child
95. I love pictures.
96. I love music.
97. I wish I had a SUV
98. I love getting stuff in the mail.
99. I have problems letting go of people.
100. I hate the feeling of being alone.
101. I want to get married to an awesome guy, but do those exist?
102. I hate girls that wear a size 2 and it's not only because they're short....
103. I  hate Chapelle's Show. There is only one Rick James. and he blows
104. I always laugh when I'm with CB
105. I love the feeling of greasy lotion
106. I want big boobs.
107. I am impatient
108. I hate cats
109. I often think before I speak and then regret it.
110. Sometimes I go to the mall just to go
111. I love TV
112. I live near a big military base.
113. I love water
114. There are criminal(s) in my family
115. The internet is my other home
116. I think IMing is so much less complicated then talking.
117. I like the sound of thunder
118. Barbie is soooo cool! Isn't she?
119. I wish i was my hair would dye blonde
120. I'm right handed
121. I love my best friend(s).
122. I straighten my hair whenever I feel like straightening my hair
123. I want to travel the world.

124. Hammocks rule
125. I like showers.
126. I hate how hot it is here in the summer
127. I love milky way.
128. I love Hollister stuff.
129. I'm scared of getting murdered.
130. I love this and stupid quizes when im bored out of my mind
133. I love getting dressed up (!!!!!!!!!)
134. I love SEXY boys in bathing suits
136. i hate when people touch my feet.
137. I'm wish i knew how big a pimp katie is but  NEVER SEE HER ANYMORE
138. I am a polish girl
139. I'm a dumb brunette...kinda brunette

140. I love hearing new bands.
141. we shouldn't have a president
142. My mom pisses me off.
143. I wish I could diet.
144. I'm addicted to sweet tea
145. I get excited over seeing Hanson.
146. I'm getting hot pink hangers for college.
147. I drink a LOT of water
148. I hate getting my period
149: I wish there was song written about me.
150: I wish I knew what Borg was.

151: I love someone of the opposite sex.
152: I need to see Napolean Dynamite.
153: I think Will Ferrell is one of the funniest men alive
154: I have a smile

156: I love spending time in a bookstore
157: I love to laugh
158: I suck at mini golf
159: I love swimmin and layin out
160. I have a humongous zit on my chin.
161. I own 5 or more pairs of flip flops
162. I like to drive my corolla
163. I am a geek at heart.
164. A Night at the Roxbury is the funniest  movie ever

165. Followed by Van Wilder
166. I love boys.
167. I like Country Music
168. I'm not a drama queen.
169. I want to quit my job.
170. I love Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

I've come to the conclusion that: Famous people hang out together...you know one you know them all.
The show in DC was (sorry chris no other word can describe it) AMAZING.
After an EARLY morning and a long drive me and chris walked around DC sightseeing for a bit until we made our way to the band Michael Tolchers hotel and hoped on for the ride to Warner theater. apparently DC people are extremely stuck up and Rory the bands manager had to pull strings to get us backstage. We didn't even have passes so we were stuck with tickets until I found Ike and he gave us the infamous "all access hanson pass." It's like GOLD we could do whatever we wanted. AMAZING
After a brief meet-n-greet and some small talk Leslie (the daughter or the seceretary of homeland security of the USofA) and her brother and a friend well 2 went downstrairs with Isaac to our catered dinner. Taylor followed shortly thereafter as did Zac, Natalie, diana (their mom) and dad and frankie muniez, zoe there little sister and mack their brother...hell the WHOLE HANSON FAMILY WAS THERE. Yeah it was kinda mindblowing once you think about it but it was so fun. We all just sat around talking and joking and it felt...NORMAL! Taylor even showed off some taeboe for christy and ezra was entertainment.
The show was so great...longer and more song than myrtle beach, including MMMBOP this time. Watching from the stage was a great view too but me chris natalie frankie and mack went to the VIP balcony and watched so we could hear. It was fun too see a couple hundred girls keep looking up a couple of hundred times and talk to their friends to figure out who we were...hehe!
Ezra showed off his rythm and Taylor rolled around on the floor Isaac sang my song and we danced all night long with some of the coolest people I've ever met in my whole life...IT WAS PERFECTION.
**just a tid-bit-does anyone else except me and isaac and chris thing it's ironic that taylors wifes name is natalie anne and my name is natalia anna?? I think it's a sign ;)**
After the show we all sat around and talked and said our good-byes. *TEAR* walking out from where the tour bus was to a butt load of fans was fantasic...talk about a self esteem boost! The hug was bittersweet but the phone call two minutes later made up for it...and then the one at 3 in the morning....and the one earlier today even though that one was cut short cause he had to go meet some people to talk about their NEW MUSIC VIDEO. LIFE IS PERFECT
**last night I walked away with some really neat memories**
*guys love the song where is the love
*natalie is one of the SWEETEST people ever and deserves taylor 110%
*ezra is GOING to be a musician--and he's a red head??
*some rock stars are assholes--maybe this one in particular has huge hair--to fill up his head
*zac can't be serious but is DEAD sexy on the drums
*frankie muniez asking for my phone so he can put his number in it and ask me to come to NYC
*one on one time with ike for umm 2 seconds only
*spending the best night of my life with my best friend
*mack is THE FUNNIEST little kid I know and zoe is the cutest (right after ezra)
Me and Chris chillin in the dressin room before the show              Then there's Ike and me hanging out after     Us and RORY one of the coolest guys even oh and he plays rugby!!
Then of course And fav or the night Frankie muniezAnd lil Mack

[	mood	|	pissed off	]
[	music	|	HANSON--my LOVE	]

I'm far from a weak person
I'm far from being immature
I'm far from being caddy
I'm not a bitch
I don't use people...I can do things on my own
I'm nothing YOU are but I'm about to go way down to your level....WAY DOWN to it so maybe just maybe I can get through to you and make you realize how much you really do affect people.

I used to know you so well and you're SUCH A BETTER PERSON THEN YOU PRETEND TO BE or at least you used to be. I'm sorry you're sad. I'm sorry you're insecure. I'm sorry you feel used--no actually I'm not
NOT EVEN A LITTLE
because you weren't. Not in the least. I am sorry though that you have to make that as your excuse and hide that jealous cause we got to do what you wanted. JUST ADMIT IT--don't be two faced. Nobody is gonna look down upon you for being jealous, people are gonna look down upon you for making up lies, telling exucses and talking shit and poeple.
I understand feeling insecure, we all do. It's how you deal with it that makes you a stronger person.
AND RIGHT NOW YOU ARE THE WEAKEST PERSON I KNOW.

I'm sorry that we went and bought you water as a thank you for saving our spot 10 people in front of where we woulda been. I'm sorry that I called you to tell you Zac was in the back signing autographs. I'm sorry we took a picture for you while taylor was touching you. I'm sorry that you were stepped all over so we could get backstage cause YEAH that happened. I'm sorry that I have a purple and blue toe cause of your heels but I bit my lip cause I was happy to see one of my "friends" happy cause I know that's what she wanted more than anything.I'm sorry that I sat through lunch and listened to you talk shit about my BEST FRIEND and held my tounge cause YOU deserved to be told then. All lunch you talked about how people put you second and how ou don't wanna be behind anyone and how Ben and Ren don't wanna hang out with you (no wonder i wouldn't wanna if I got shit talked about me all the time) and highschool sucked and blahblah...running from things isn't gonna help--you're still gonna be the person you are and live will never change unless you do, even if new people are in it.

I know it's a dream what I'm doing and I know how lucky I am...but I did it on my own. JUST REALIZE THAT.

Talk shit all you want if that's what's gonna make you feel better. Just say it to my face and don't act cool while I'm there, or Chris for that matter. If you didn't want us in line say umm I'd rather not hold your place. End of story. At least we wouldn't have to come home to a "pity party"--as you so lovely put it.

It's over and done with. I can let it go cause I AM the better person here. I just want you to know I'm stronger then you ERIKA....we both are.

[	mood	|	giddy	]
[	music	|	deeper-hanson	]

You know how in your life you have certain milestones; those days that you will forever remember and when you're old and dying on your death bed they're one of the days that will flash before your eyes....
Well last night was sooo totally like that.
Me and Chris drove down to Myrtle Beach to see her all time favorite band: HANSON. Thanks to Erika Chelsie and Amy we had a great spot in line to get into the show but that unfortunelty didn't stop it from taking over 4 hours in blistering heat to get in.
The opening bands were AWESOME. But of course Hanson stole the show. I'm glad I have an out going best friend...she blew a kiss to the guitarist of one of the opening bands and next thing you know we're backfuckingstage with Isaac and Taylor Hanson on the balcony of the house of blues with 1000 other girls screaming their names.
Taylor left kinda fast but a few guys from the other bands and IKE stayed. Ike and i got to talking and I have to say he's one of the coolest guys ever. forget that he's FAMOUS...he's just plain cool. I can't remember ever laughing that much with a guy I just met.And the compliments weren't so bad either hehe **BLUSH**
Well we get to talking and Ike thought it was too lous outside so we go inside to talk. After a chat and a change of close we're downstairs dancing...and it was the best dancing of my life. A smile did not leave my face and the fact that he was smiling the whole time made me tingle...well that and him rubbing up and down my arms will swaying his hips next to mine **SCREAM** (i'm NEVER washing that skirt again)
Chris got to dance with him too which was totally awesome cause I know how cool that was for her. Hey and she knows how to salsa a whole lot better than me and Ike likes to salsa since he's literally flown all over the world to learn!**yeah, a personal story he told me**
After a while we wanted to chill out before he *tear* had to leave so we went back up to the VIP room and just joked around until he got that phone call. I walked him out which was awesome and the hug goodnight and holding hands til our fingertips couldn't touch anymore was THE BEST feeling ever. I felt 12 again and like I was only dreaming about this.
did I mention HE asked ME for my number. And then actually called me....just to say goodnight! Yeah life is great.
It was sad to see him go but alls well that ends well cause me and chris are taking another road trip to DC thursday morning and we were told not to buy tickets. We're on the list this time. Yeah we're totally groupies!!! 1. You know you're a groupie whe you ask if the band has a lot of groupies
Anyway I know I'm giddy right now and it's probably something that happens all the time but I'm glad to say I actually got to meet Hanson and who knows what's to come maybe there can be a natalie and a natalia in the hanson clan *wink wink*
And out of this I took that you have to be yourself...REALLY yourself. I know that everytime I hear deeper I'll think of last night since it's "my" song haha and I'll be looking for the new cd since I have a natalia song now too that's only lyrics so far are "nat----ali-aahh whoo hoooo"--in a sexy isaac hanson kinda voice
And I'm glad my best friend will be there the whole time cause we obviously couldn't do any of this with out the other and after all we are a packaged deal!!

**pics to come...after the show thursday**

[	mood	|	guilty	]
[	music	|	the silence in my room	]

hit and run...

So I don't know when they next time I'll see you will be and I don't wanna tell you graduation night but Andy I hit you van today. I don't know if Ren or Steff or anyone else in the parking lot told you but I felt bad just leaving even though it didn't do any damage. SOOO SORRY! Just need to tell you. Hope you feel better!

[	mood	|	accomplished	]
[	music	|	MTV	]

We wrote our senior poems today in English and I felt like writting mine on here just cause. It's not great...I'm so not a poet. And it doesn't say everything I want but then it would be like a million pages long. Anyway it's totally cheesy and exactly what you could probably expect from well ME!

Right now, thinking back on the years
I just want to SCREAM!!!
So much has happened
So many memories made
And frriendships gained
And so much time has flown by.
It is difficult to comprehend it has all actually happened
And in just four years?
Well guess what...
        Now it's all over.

At first I did not want to listen.
I was way too cool for that!
Hey mom, I'm in High School now
Why won't you get off my back!?
The year was filled with lots of "new"
Maybe I even learned a thing or two.
But, as all else it came and then went
And I moved onto the next big thing
Year two.

FINALLY not a freshman
Boy how good that did feel!
But now I'm just stuck in the middle
One year gone, but two still left to go.
I wish I would have known then
that I didn't know everything
But none-the-less- that year was a great one
And it got me ready for what was to come.

One year away from being a SENIOR.
Graduation is so close I can start counting the days now.
Besides my friends, parties, and boys
The next important thing was my school work.
Yeah my priorities were straight.
But next year was my focus
Everything else seemed so small
I wished it all away
And now I wish I could go back to those days
And not have to grow up
overnight.

Now it really is FINALLY here,
I'm the oldest, the greatest
I AM A SENIOR,
an adult,
almost a citizen.
I know what I want and I know how to get it!

I remember counting the days
To get to this day
And now I sit here counting how many days it has been
Since it all ended.
Although I'll never walk through those huge
Purple and gold doors again
With the cameras watching
I know I'll never really leave.
I'm taking a lot with me to
But what I want to leave is an important lesson
To all those who remain:
**Life is too important to be taken seriously**

[	mood	|	impressed	]
[	music	|	Full House on TV	]

P.S....It's over

All ties are undone, the grudges have been let go of, no more holding on to false hope, it's time to be real and true--starting with me!

Now I guess I'm empty but it feels soo damn good!

[	mood	|	mellow	]
[	music	|	3 days grace-i hate everything about you	]

That everything I've wished for has already been granted.

Today, well tonight really, it feels like I woke up outta this bad nightmare. I'm kinda waiting for things to fall again but ya know I'm really ready cause like everything else it'll pass and eventaully make me a stronger and better person.

I was finishing up Gossip Girls today and thinking to myself that my life could be a book and I could pick it up and figure out what happens. Ya know when you're reading a book you really get into, it turns into your life almost and you put people who are in your life in those situations, and you get your emotions wrapped up into it and you just think--gosh why can't I be more like that?

Right now in a weird metaphorically twisted way we are all writing our own books and coming to one of those important climactic chapters where if someone was reading they just couldn't put the book down. It's so exciting and I know exactly how I feel about it but it seems hard to express. Right now I just feel like everything really does happen for a reason. Everybody hurts but ya know everybody gets over it and moves on and all it is now is something written a few pages back, you can always look back and reread it but you'll never feel the same about it and it's kinda ruined cause you alreayd know what's gonna happen. The good couldn't happen without the bad and admit it if everything was always good then nothing would be exciting. Everybody needs that spice and thrill and worthless feeling or betrayl to come to terms and really appreciate the good.

I feel like such an optimist right now and I just wanna hug everybody and never leg go, soaking in the journey we've had together but let go at the same timeand just savoring how really perfect everything really was.....cause guess what it all turned out ok! WE MADE IT!!!

To my "BFFE"--you are the only one who knows exactly what I mean.................